TITLE: If the phones are making us sad, then what?
SUBTITLE: Seriously.
AUTHOR: Peter Banks
DATE: 2026-06-12
URL: https://peterbanks.org/essays/if-it-is-the-phones-that-are-making
SOURCE: https://peteribanks.substack.com/p/if-it-is-the-phones-that-are-making

I mean this as a genuine question.

The evidence that phones are making us miserable and ruining our ability to make relationships is abundant. I thought this article by Jonathan Haidt presents the evidence around social media use and teen mental health quite well. But if you zoom out and define “the phones” as our whole ecosystem of Apple et al. devices designed to make us more productive and entertained, the case becomes even stronger. 

But if that is true, then what? What are we supposed to do as a society? Limiting tech usage for kids so they can have a “normal” childhood seems like a good idea, but at some point they will grow up and enter the tech universe with the rest of us. What about having a normal 20s? It seems, from the data, a lot of people are no longer having those, and I suspect it is true up the entire food chain, even if it is harder to track than fertility or marriage rates.

At some point, you are simply pulled into the technological whirlpool, and there is no escaping it. I can gripe about phones in the abstract, but what specifically are we giving up? Maybe we can ban social media, but is ‘this’ social media? Because I don’t want it banned; writing is by far and away my favorite, most fulfilling hobby. You can become a social dropout and not have to respond to messages promptly, but for most of us that simply isn’t an option.

The pace of our communication, and so the expectations around communication, just seems to keep accelerating. I remember as a kid having a phone at home, and often I would call someone and no one would pick up, so I would have to wait and try again in an hour or so. But once everyone got smartphones, that was gone. Now, if someone isn’t picking up or answering my texts, it is extremely plausible they didn’t just miss the call but are instead ignoring me. We are all so glued to our phones now that it is quite rare for me to be away from mine if I’m not asleep. At this point unless I’m engrossed in something else I notice my notifications instantly. 

So if someone texts or emails me an important document, often I have literally minutes, possibly seconds, to respond with at minimum an acknowledgment before coming across as either lazy or rude. Because often someone in that situation is either lazy or rude! Our communication is so high-speed that you basically have the obligation to respond immediately if someone needs a response immediately, and often immediate responses are very convenient.

Now, this is the only world I’ve ever lived in, so it is also one I’m skeptical we can really get out of. Even Trump probably has to get back to emails right away.

But it clearly is making us miserable. And the gains in productivity obviously aren’t enough to balance it out empirically, so one has to almost ask the question of “why.” What is the point of all of this? What is the point of speeding everything up and making everything lower latency if the increased output makes us no happier and the increased urgency fills our lives with stress?

I think that the productivity-enhancing side of all our new information devices is really the key here. If phones and laptops were just for entertainment and distraction, it would be easy to throw them away. I spend like six hours on my phone on average a day, and much of that is wasted. But the problem is that some of it isn’t. Even if it is only a tiny portion of my actual use time, it is transformationally important to my life. My phone is how I check into a plane or get work emails; it just also happens to have Substack and YouTube.

Some five years ago at this point, I went on a meditation retreat in western VA. The retreat was about a week and totally silent, meaning after the first meal you were not supposed to speak or use our phones at all. At the end of the retreat, I got into my car and turned my phone on, and wow. It was one of the most delicious feelings in existence to see the texts from my friends coming in. The only experience I can analogize it to is hitting a bong and the associated head rush. In that moment, I thought to myself, “Is this what is going on every time I open my phone?” and I still don’t have a good answer.

But seriously, what are we supposed to do? I could obviously reduce my own phone consumption by using something like Brick. Or I’ve even heard of some people who totally abandon their phones and just use a laptop. But those are cumbersome personal decisions, and it seems like the problems with technology are larger than that. Obviously, the solution isn’t to tear it all down, but the path we are on also feels needlessly stressful.

I’m also looking to hit 100 paid subscribers, since I would very much like to get that orange check. So I’m going to attach a 90% discount here for everyone who wants to sign up. I’m going to be raising it substantially when I cross that threshold, so this is the cheapest it will ever be. Lock in an annual subscription for $5 now while you have the chance.
